So, to recap (and if you care unduly, look away, and perhaps go and read a novel that’s not covered in pink glitter and think about how tiny your brain must be):

• Adriana’s back on the drugs. Collective gasp! Really it was ridiculous; how does one go from clean teen to party queen in one fell swoop? Oh, I remember – which brings me nicely to point # 2. . .
• Navid’s parents don’t approve. “Joo are not rrrrrrethy, Ah-three-ana. Joo are not rrrrrrethy!” pips Mama Navid, who “chazzent zzzlepth in three dayyyyys!” Boo-urns.
• Baby showers in America are boring. They drink non-alcoholic drinks from baby bottles (dunno about you, but to me this does not sound too appetising); they create dresses out of toilet roll and then pick whose dress is the best, Project Catwalk style.
• Jesus Christ, Ethan finds God. “You know how they say no man is an island? Well I disagree. I think everybody is an island. And relationships are like bridges. . . but sometimes the islands are too far apart. And it’s sad but, it happens. Sometimes it’s just time to move on.” He says this to Silver, bringing me nicely to. . .
• Silver and Ethan are falling in love. What kind of incestuous town is this?!
• Oh how could I forget – hot teacher Mr Mathews is on a date with Naomi’s evil sister – meaning what, exactly? Very little. I thought he and Robot Kelly were going to get together; I thought they already had, in fact, but presumably Tori Spelling has distracted Kelly from anything else in the world and she’s now busy setting up Tori Spelling’s amazing fashion store so that she can make dresses for the screenwriter of Juno whose name I can’t remember but who used to be a stripper.

And here endeth the lesson. The sooner this sham of a show ends, the better – for me, anyway. Why, oh why, can no American’s pronounce “Liam”? “Well done, Lay-am!” shouts little orphan Annie, whom I loathe more and more with each passing episode.